Lessons in Parts-Work from a Little Boy who Tried to Slap Me in Yoga

Please note all names have been changed.

Today we’re talking about Parts. You may have heard your friends, especially those in therapy, say “I have a part that feels this way,” or, “My protective part says,” or, more colloquially, “Part of me wants to do this, but another part wants…” As you can read in the last example, talking about our inner-worlds as different parts or voices comes naturally to us. And it is natural – parts help us navigate the world, keep us safe and surviving, and via the mechanism of duality provide a mirror to what is called Self (with a capital “S”) in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model.

Self is not original to IFS, though. Spiritual traditions have been pointing to and growing from, in fact, the phenomenon of an unchanging is-ness that connects us all. God, Atman, Self, Universe, Spirit – this phenomenon has many names that can help us digest that our parts, however loud and persuasive they may be, are parts of the whole and not the whole itself. When we get to know the different parts of ourselves, like the facets of a diamond, we better understand our needs and desires, our relationships, and how we move through our lives.

However, getting to know our parts (… you’re going to be so sick of the word “parts” by the end of this blog post, if you aren’t already) can be tricky. For the scope of this post, let’s focus on the struggle of hearing our parts.

First, parts can take over the steering wheel, or the CEO-position if we imagine a boardroom. When a part is driving you, you can believe so whole-heartedly that it is the real-unchanging-you that you do not even register the belief that what that part is saying is our true self. Parts, especially when they have been in charge of your survival, particularly in childhood, are very good at taking over (and not realizing that you are no longer in danger). People tend to feel all in their heads or that they’ve forgotten about their bodies in these moments.

Unlike parts, the Self-energy I touched on earlier is identifiable by its curiosity, compassion, clarity, courage, connectedness, creativity, calmness, and confidence – these are the “8 C’s of Self Energy” as laid out by IFS. When we are truly in Self, we feel it in our bodies. It is not a performance.

Next, once you realize your perspective, words, and choices have been carjacked by a part, it can be very challenging to listen to them. It’s hard to sit patiently in order to empathize and seek to truly connect with someone who has jacked your car. Remember: What really is happening is the part is trying to look out for you in the best way it knows how; it deeply loves you. This depth of understanding can seem impossible to access when what you hear is bullying, shaming, and harsh. You can’t have a true conversation with someone speaking that way.

I want to tell you a story to better illustrate the struggles of listening to parts, particularly those that don’t know how to communicate without chaos, cruelty, or shutdown… so please travel back in time with me to when I taught yoga to kids and teens at a school for children with Autism and Down’s Syndrome. In one of the groups, we would all practice in a big circle. We “moo-ed” in cow pose, hissed and meowed as we arched our spines in cat, and – my favorite – hissed in cobra, which sometimes turned into kids trying to make each other laugh by honking like geese. Inevitably, we all burst into laughter.

One day, in the middle of class, I noticed a certain boy’s eyes change. I was familiar with this shift in his eyes – it meant there was a high likelihood he was going to hit somebody and get physically violent. So I moved myself next to him in the circle, hoping to draw his attention away from the other kids and onto me. It worked. The faraway, slightly wild look in his eyes fixed onto me, and he raised his hand to smack me. I was prepared. I gently caught his wrist, and another teacher safely brought him out of the room.

After the class, I was walking through the hallway to teach the next group, when I saw him speaking with a couple of the teachers. Obviously, his nervous system had re-regulated and he had more access to his neocortex. What I overheard struck my heart in a way that penetrated to the core of things:

One of the teachers asked, “But why were you trying to hit Tommy?

The little boy replied, “I was just trying to say hi. I wanted to talk to him. He’s my friend.”

In this story is the exact occurrence that happens when trying to hear our parts and their sacred needs of safety, love, rest, play, etc. To get our attention, our parts do the best they can with the means at their disposal and what they’ve learned through life experience. They try to get their – and our – needs met. The little boy did not know any other way to initiate a conversation with his friend besides slapping him across the face.

Sometimes it can feel like the voices within you are doing that, too. Smacking you in the face and slapping you around.

To get to the truth behind the visible form of what the little boy was doing, no one yelled at him. No one shamed him, or isolated him. No one punished as a means of controlling behavior. Instead, the adults helped him come back to his body, feel safe, and regulate his nervous system. Then, they got curious and sought to understand.

Working with parts requires us to work with our nervous systems and our bodies. Especially when it is difficult to hear what a part is really trying to say underneath its harsh tone or self-shaming phrases, listening to the sensations of the body can not only provide relief and grounding, but also insight that makes more sense than the words we hear. Through working somatically, you can track your nervous system activation, locate where the part is speaking from in your body, and learn to understand the language of the parts. The doors of transformation open and beckon us through.

Months later, at the end of the school year, I was sitting with that boy and a group of other students at a table doing an art project. One kid starting making loud noises. Very politely and with the calm of a sage, this same little boy who had tried to smack Tommy to start a conversation said:

“Excuse me. Could you please stop yelling? The noise is overstimulating for me.”

When the other kid did not stop, he calmly got out a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, placed them over his ears, and merrily, joyfully, curiously continued on with his work,

His desires,

Needs,

Life.